Everything I know about depression
Published by Nela Dunato on in ADHD, Mindset, Personal, Thoughts
Six months ago, I could not have even fathomed that I would ever feel this good again. Six months ago I wasn’t able to imagine a brighter future or what would it take for me to reach it. Six months ago I was at my lowest of lows since 2008, and the years in between weren’t exactly Disneyland.
Six months ago I was wondering, “what if this is the real me, and what if the happy, content me was a fake? What if there’s no way for me to ever feel better because that’s just my melancholic nature?”
You might have guessed that things have gotten much better since. I’m at a point where I feel like I can comfortably write about my experience without getting pulled back in. But this is not the first time I’ve tried to write about this topic. Nor the second, nor the third… I’ve stopped counting.
You may be wondering why I feel so compelled to write about depression, on my art and business blog no less?
This might sound like “too much information” for a blog of a creative professional. Understand though, that I’m not throwing a pity party here. There is more to these words than trying to give you a glimpse of the world from my viewpoint.
There’s research that supports the connection between high creativity and mood disorders, so I can assume a great percentage of people who read this blog have one too, either diagnosed or self-diagnosed.
Depression is a part of many creatives’ lives, and people feel too much shame to talk about it openly, so they suffer in silence.
They think to themselves “What if I never get better?” and don’t dare to ask anyone to confirm or dispel their suspicions.
They think to themselves “What if it’s just my nature to be so melancholic? What if it’s a core part of my personality? What if getting better meant I would lose the inspiration for my art?”
These are all valid questions, the last one not the least important. Art is such an integral part of our lives. Would we willing to risk losing our art if we get rid of the anguish that currently fuels it?
Most people don’t dare ask their peers whether these feelings are something others are also struggling with.
There’s such, such deep shame in having mental health issues. This shame is in no way helped by our loved ones who add the salt to our wounds by telling us to “snap out of it”.
I still have shame around this topic, and as much as I want to think I’m writing this for you who may be needing to read it, I’m writing this for myself – to prove myself that I’m stronger than this feeling of shame, and that it has no power over me.
If I’m able to tell the entire world how I really feel, it means I won.
But six months ago winning at anything was a faraway dream. Six months ago things were looking bleak.
But before we go on with the story…
A big fat disclaimer
I need to say this, because I don’t want anyone’s lawyers on my back.
Opinions expressed in this text are just that – my personal opinions. I’m not a mental (or any kind of) health professional.
I cannot accept responsibility for any damages you might suffer if you apply anything you read here. By continuing to read this text, you fully accept responsibility for your own well being and relieve me of any liability to you.
If something sparks inspiration for you, that’s great. If you think this I’m full of shit and quackery, that’s actually great, too.
People differ, and what works for me, may not work for you, and vice versa.
My (hi)story
My first onset of depression came about in early teens, which I already mentioned here. In short, I was bullied by my peers since kindergarten, and after years of experiencing the negative side of humanity (in children and teachers, no less) it culminated in a deep desire to just stop existing.
(I never wanted to commit suicide because I felt a commitment to my family and friends to stay in their lives, and I knew my death would hurt them badly. So the best I could do was fantasize about never being born in the first place, and how everyone’s lives around me would be better off it I wasn’t around.)
I don’t remember how I got better, but it probably had something to do with getting closer to a new friend who was in a similar situation. Naturally, we became best friends and started our journey of exploring metal music and occultism in search for the meaning of life (pretty standard behavior for depressed teenagers).
I had another onset of depression in high school due to unrequited love, but that one wasn’t really memorable except for the fact that one of my best friends dumped me because she couldn’t bear to listen to me complain anymore.
I’m not sorry that she did. I believe friends should be able to accept each other at their worst, and if they can’t, it means they’re not compatible. But this adds to the feeling of shame, and if it happened to you as well, I want you to know that I empathize with you, and that it’s not your fault. (It’s not their fault, either. People are free to choose who they want to be friends with by whatever criteria.)
I have to pause here and thank my dear friends who were unfazed by my dark side and remained by my side to this day. I know you’re reading this. I love you.
The next episode was fairly memorable for several reasons. I just enrolled into the University, electrical engineering program.
Whenever I mention to people that I’ve studied electrical engineering and not art, they’re surprised, but you have to know something about me-from-then.
I was not an artist yet.
My first choice would’ve been computer science, but I wasn’t allowed to go study outside of my hometown, so I found “the next best thing”. Except the supposed next best thing was the worst.
After the first month of classes I realized I was in the wrong place. I didn’t like the subjects, the teachers, fellow students, or the overall atmosphere. I wasn’t happy where I was, but I had no idea where else to go. I felt trapped. It was unbearable.
My only means of escape from the unpleasant reality was into my own imagination – and that’s how Nela the artist was born.
What began as doodling in my class notes became a decade-long obsession with sketchbooks. I spent days and nights practicing drawing and digital art.
The older version of “Sharp Tongue”, pen & ink on paper, 2006.
I later painted a new version in acrylics.
My first creations were raw and dark. I didn’t hold anything back – I let all my disappointment, frustration and hopelessness run out on paper. Before I knew it, I was hooked for life. I found a new meaning and it helped me get better.
I started dreaming about other possibilities, about maybe going to a different university and becoming a graphic designer, or maybe getting into art school and becoming a cartoon animator. The world seemed full of options.
Well, you know how things turned out in the end. (If you don’t, I’ll fill you in: I didn’t study art or design, but I did end up a professional graphic designer.)
I shared some of this story, and advice on getting started with arts and crafts in my video and article: Art & creativity for mental health & wellbeing.
I’ll just note that the episode at the uni was the first one when my parents realized something was seriously wrong with me. Sadly, their first suspicion was drugs. When they had me tested and realized it wasn’t drugs, mom suggested I go see a therapist. I turned it down because I didn’t want them to pay the “unreasonable hourly rate”, when we weren’t really rolling in money. I wish I went to a therapist then, and not over a decade later when I had to pay for it myself, ha!
The there was another episode in 2008 that came out of a relationship decay and my subsequent self-medicating with alcohol and making poor life choices, mostly in regards to men and money. (Tortured artist stereotype, anyone?)
This time I actually went to see a therapist. You could get free counseling sessions at the Psychology department if you were a University student, I just didn’t know that before. She didn’t seem too worried about me so I thought I was pretty much doing OK on my own. I only went to see her a few times, but it helped with my self-confidence that a mental health professional thought I was perfectly normal.
Long story short, I sobered up and decided to refrain from dating for a while. Then I started hanging out with this guy that I knew from before. I gave it a shot without harboring too many expectations, and well, we’ve been together for over 6 years now.
I thought I was cured.
I thought it was never going to come back. I thought those “low phases” when I just wasn’t very inspired that lasted for a few months were as worst as it could get.
I wrote an article on being a “closet depressive” because I felt that what I was suffering from wasn’t really depression, and I didn’t want to compare myself with people who needed to take medication for their condition or had suicidal thoughts.
I was in denial and reluctant to call my condition by its name because I had this idea that really depressed people had it worse than me. That me being somewhat functional disqualifies me from wearing the label. I called it “my down phase”, or my Seasonal Affective Disorder, because it usually coincided with the winter months.
My self-worth issues wrapped their tentacles around the very thing that was causing them in the first place. I felt it wasn’t bad “enough”, that I wasn’t depressed “enough”.
Then – surprise, surprise – I touched the bottom once again.
What depression feels like
People who have never been through depression have a difficult time understanding what it’s like. They give “helpful” advice such as:
“Just snap out of it!”
“It doesn’t matter how you feel, you just need to push through.”
“You’ve changed. I don’t like the new you.”
These statements invalidate a depressed person’s experience.
When you are depressed, you are not aware of your strength, so you can’t use it. That’s how it works.
You get weighed down by the smallest things, like getting out of bed, vacuuming, or replying to emails. You can barely remember what it felt like being the capable person who had things under control. All of your past accomplishments now seem insignificant, and all your future potential completely out of your reach.
There doesn’t seem to be any light at the end of the tunnel – you don’t even know which direction to walk in, so you just stand there in the middle, alone in the dark.
Occasionally you may feel like you’d just rather stop existing, because your life seems like such a waste of water and oxygen. There are surely people on Earth more worthy of it.
(You don’t want to kill yourself, of course. That would hurt your loved ones. But if there was some kind of a hack to erase yourself out of existence throughout time and space, you’d take that red pill in a heartbeat.)
Yes, it’s dramatic and ridiculous. But that’s what it actually feels like inside one’s own mind, which is the only reality we can experience.
(This is true for anyone, healthy or not.)
The entrepreneur’s curse
We’re finally seeing articles popping out in respectable papers about startup founders suffering from mental health issues, depression and anxiety being the top two.
These issues are exacerbated by our distinct way of life
- Feast or famine income cycle.
- Working in isolation.
- Feeling like our family and friends don’t understand us because they have steady jobs.
- Avoiding social occasions and travel because we “have to work” or “can’t afford it”…
I’ve seen it in the people around me before I’ve started my own business. Even those that don’t have a history of depression can burst at the seams if they’re stretched too far.
I’m not joking at all when I say that if our country really wants to encourage more people to pursue their own business and help the economy, they should invest in free counseling for new entrepreneurs.
If I had to distill my main reason for becoming depressed again into one sentence, it would be: I felt like I was doing my best, and I still wasn’t seeing any results.
My frustration grew into disappointment, disappointment grew into guilt, guilt grew into anxiety, and anxiety grew into hopelessness.
This is a snippet of what I wrote back then (the fourth time I attempted to write about it):
At the moment of this writing, the reality of my situation has finally sunk in. There’s no doubt about it: I’m chronically depressed.
I still can’t see the end of it. I’m still afraid that it will never go away. That my life will be like this forever.
I hadn’t told anyone except for a few friends. My boyfriend didn’t really understand the seriousness of it and blamed it on me simply not trying hard enough – which is pretty much how the majority of our society perceives depression.
As my parents like to put it:
“When we were your age, we were too busy to be depressed. We were busting our ass to provide for you, we didn’t have the time to have the existential dilemmas of your generation.”
(Little did they know, they just outsourced their own untreated mental health issues onto their children.)
While I was feeling terrible about myself because of objective life circumstances (ie. business problems) and then on top of that, because people in my life thought I should just plow through despite my mental, emotional and physical anguish, it somehow slipped my attention that I was no longer functional. For a while I thought I was keeping it together just fine, and then suddenly I realized I wasn’t.
My not-actual-depression-just-a-low-phase-because-life-sucks-at-the-moment became actual textbook depression.
In a sense, I was relieved. I wasn’t just a lazy ass who can’t pull herself together. I have a condition that’s preventing me from doing so.
My other thought was “well, shit”. How am I supposed to get out of this mess now?
Depression can be fatal. What am I going to do?
I didn’t know that my condition warranted a referral for a psychiatrist covered by insurance. I thought I had to pay for it out of pocket, and I was broke. I thought that only “really crazy” people who are a danger to themselves and others go to hospitals. I was so sadly uninformed, like most people are.
While I was pondering my choices, things weren’t getting any better. I felt more and more exhausted, until I had no energy for even the most basic tasks.
I could barely muster the strength to get up in the morning. Sometimes I slept in until 10. Sometimes I’d get up, realized there’s not even a reason for me to be awake and went back to bed until noon.
I was just barely keeping up with my client commitments, and had no drive to look for new clients or work on personal projects.
I was hiding from my partner and everyone else, hoping they wouldn’t see my terrible work ethic and blame me for what’s been happening. I didn’t want them to think I deserved to be broke and unhappy because I didn’t work hard enough. Because I was lazy.
As I was letting things slide more and more, the situation had gotten even worse. Without going into the full details of the story (that alone would take a novel), I’ll just state that my depression almost killed my business and my relationship.
If I was to go on as I did, I’d soon end up back with my parents, unemployed. Those are quite the opposite of the conditions needed for a person to get better. My life was in desperate need of change. I needed to change. And there was only one way I knew how to do things at that time – by myself.
Bootstrapping my way out of the pit
With no money to spare for my health and a revulsion toward medication, I started researching self-help and herbs.
The most useful website I’ve found in my online research was the Depression Learning Path. It’s a long and fascinating read that I can’t sum up in short here, but there were a few key points that made a huge difference in how I approached my own depression.
Two most important ones were the thinking styles that people who tend to become depressed have (as opposed to people who deal with the same circumstances and bounce back quickly) and the role of sleep in the development of depression. The reason I was hooked to this particular text, unlike other things I’ve read, is that it went along perfectly with that I was experiencing. I took some of the advice on that website and started my own healing journey.
Knowing that I’m prone to jumping headfirst into whatever interests me and getting discouraged if I don’t see the results fast enough, I decided I wasn’t going to allow this tendency to sabotage my healing. I was going to take baby steps and only move forward when I’m sure that my foundation is strong.
At the time, this meant that I wasn’t able to force myself to get up earlier, exercise, or do anything that was physically taxing. I just didn’t have the energy for it.
I decided to take the approach of absolute kindness toward myself.
Up until that point, I had the constant stream of negative commentary running through my head. I was beating myself up for not being successful enough and for not being able to take care of myself. It’s been going on for about 7 months and there were no visible signs of progress, which meant that this approach wasn’t working.
I decided to take a completely different approach. I knew I was going to receive pushback from my partner because it was so counter-intuitive, but I was desperate enough to finally stop caring about what someone else thought of my actions.
For once, my own health was more important to me than anything else. And so I decided to take it easy and rest.
My mission was to do whatever it takes to feel better.
I decided that I was going to ask myself what would make me feel better and do it, no matter what the answer was. A lot of the times, the answer was “nothing”. So “nothing” is precisely what I did.
If I was thinking I was lazy earlier, this pushed all my buttons. It was extremely hard for me to just sit on my couch and read, trying to take my mind of the worries that plagued all my waking hours. If you think sitting through 4 seasons of “Community” is easy for a creative workaholic with self-worth issues, think again.
This first step on my journey brought to the surface all the beliefs about work that I’ve been collecting through my childhood and education. It was so hard not to run back to my office, sit in front of my computer and waste hours doing nothing in particular (because my concentration was terrible), but at least thinking better of myself because I’m trying my damnedest.
I returned back to meditation in an attempt to stop the spiral of negative thoughts. It worked very well, and I realized that if I want to get healthy and remain so, I ought to make it a part of my daily practice, no matter what.
The problem with meditation, like any other practice, is that when I’m feeling great, I think I don’t need it anymore. And then I start slipping up and things go to hell, and I wonder what went wrong. I became complacent, that’s what went wrong.
This time I swore I would never stop meditating again.
For at least one to two weeks I continued with the same approach.
I meditated. I wrote a journal. I went for walks in the forest. I stopped reading about business, blogging, marketing, productivity, and instead I read stories and watched videos that made me laugh. I barely set foot in my office and remained comfortable at my couch.
My boyfriend would ask me what I plan to do today, and I’d say “I’ll read”. Just like that. I got the nerve to say to the guy who’s been paying our bills for the past two months that I’ll just sit and read, when all the logic dictates I should have been busting my ass to make more money.
Occasionally I’d have a thought that perhaps today was the day to be more proactive, but I’d remind myself that I have to be patient and wait until I’m certain that my desire to work is back, and I’m not just guilt-tripping myself into working.
Of course I feared it would never come back. But I’ve experienced it enough times already to be able to trust that it always comes back sooner than I expect.
Eventually it did. I don’t remember how long it took, but one day I woke up with the knowing that I’m ready to take the next step.
Still fearing that if I try too hard I might slip up and be back where I started, I proceeded with care and caution. I only worked for a few hours every day, and I picked only the tasks that I knew I could handle. If this meant that the only thing I was able to do that day was to answer e-mails and then turn off the computer and go back to the couch, that’s what I did.
This did some great things for me. Every successfully completed task added wind in my back and raised my self-confidence.
I set the success bar so low, that there wasn’t a chance I would end up disappointed.
When you’re trying to crawl back up from a very deep & dark place, disappointment acts like poison. Even a tiny drop if it will send you back down in an instant.
If you’re in that place right now, I urge you to be kind to yourself. I know it’s not easy, because you’ve been taught exactly the opposite.
The reason you’ve ended up where you are is that you’ve been abusive toward yourself, thinking the thoughts that condemn you to a life of failure. The only way to turn things around is to learn how to act with kindness and allow yourself to take things easy.
Did I panic that me taking things easy for an indefinite amount of time will result in losing the little money and clients I’ve had? Of course I did. But I had to remind myself that acting out of this panic was what brought me here and that the only way out was to try something completely different and stick with it until I see the results.
Creating a way to remember
During all this time, I wrote notes. I created a little book where I’ve dedicated a page to certain aspects of my healing, how and why they worked, and how I felt when I did them.
I did this so that someday when I end up depressed again (I no longer entertain the thought that it will never happen again), I have a place to start that’s based on what worked the last time around.
It’s an instruction manual, written from the perspective of a person who’s just a few steps ahead.
This is super important to remember. Me from six-months-later couldn’t have written this. I don’t even remember all the details anymore. I’m too far removed from the experience of a girl in desperate need for some relief to be able to provide her with advice and guidance.
That’s why talking to your loved ones about depression doesn’t usually work.
They are too far from where you are, and the words they offer fall into the chasm between you, and never reach you. That’s not your fault, it’s just how things are.
The sound advice “you should get some exercise” at the time when you barely have the strength to get out of bed makes you feel more guilty that you can’t do it. It’s not the advice you need right now.
Our friends don’t know that. They don’t know the inner workings of our mind, and honestly, neither do we ourselves know them unless we observe our mind carefully and take notes.
Document your journey as it’s happening, and keep it for the next time the same thing happens.
Write down the thoughts that are bothering you and once you’ve realized that they’re not actually true, write that down as well, and how you can move past them.
If you’ve read the above description of depression and nodded your head, there’s one reason why: you feel like I’m reading your mind, because you’ve felt the same way. You trust me because you know I know how you feel.
That’s exactly what you need to do for yourself.
Next time you’re feeling too bad to accept any advice, you’ll read that and think, “Well, me-from-then sure knew exactly how I’m feeling right now. There must be something to this thing if she was able to predict it with such accuracy. Maybe I should try these things she’s recommending”.
Yes, get all the help you can from wherever you can – but remember that your own experience is a goldmine of ideas for healing.
How to help a depressed loved one
Many of you who are reading this may be asking yourself what can you do when your friend, partner or family member is going through a depressed phase?
The best thing you can do is to provide a judgment free atmosphere.
The biggest obstacle in communication between a person with depression and a healthy person is disbelief. The healthy person finds it hard to believe that the depressed one just isn’t able to do something to get over it already, and the depressed person doesn’t believe that anyone else understands her.
If you really want to help someone, listen to them with empathy. No advice giving, no questioning. Be careful not to do anything that will create a sense in the person that what they are experiencing is wrong, and if they’re unable to quickly move away from it, they’re a failure.
When they say something self-deprecating like “I feel like an utter failure and like I messed up my entire life”, instead of saying “You’re not! You’re a great person, and this is just depression talking”, be empathetic. Say something more akin to “It’s understandable why you feel this way. I would probably feel the same in a similar situation.”
You may be worrying that this is counterproductive and won’t help them get any better, but that’s not how it works. What you’re really doing is building trust between you and them. They feel comfortable with you because they know you’re not trying to force them to change before they’re ready.
The depressed person has to reach new understanding on their own in order for it to be effective. Just saying things will turn out OK won’t make it so. What you can do is remind them that this is a temporary situation, and there’s nothing shameful about finding yourself in one once in a while.
What doesn’t kill you…
As I was going through the most difficult times in the past few years, my go-to saying was “this is going to make a great blog post one day”.
More and more I find myself thinking “One day, the story of how I’ve gotten myself out of this mess will make a great blog post.” #fml
— Nela Dunato (@nelchee) March 13, 2014
And so the time has finally come to turn this story into a blog post.
Overall, it took me less than a month from taking that first step to healing until the moment when I’ve felt that I’ve finally gotten back to my self again.
At first, the worry subsided and I was able to feel at peace about my situation.
Then I was able to think some optimistic thoughts like, “today may be the day I get a new client / I receive a payment due / someone buys a brush set license…”
Then my energy level rose and I was getting up feeling more content with my life and eager to write, draw and design again.
I became super prolific with writing. For all the months before that this blog stood silent, I more than made it up in mere weeks. I was coming up with at least one new topic per day.
To me, my recovery feels extremely fast, compared to 7 months before that I was only getting worse. I honestly didn’t think it would work so well. I’m still surprised that it did.
I cannot guarantee that this is something that will work every time, but at least I feel confident that I will always be able to find a way that works for me.
This experience has taught me the importance of trusting myself over other people, and that taking care of my own needs first is the key to being able to do anything worthwhile in life.
Before this, I had an immense amount of guilt about relaxation and “laziness”. I felt like I deserved to be a failure because I simply hadn’t worked hard enough, and then I ran myself into the ground working even harder, never satisfied with my progress.
I’ve learned about the medicine of ease, rest, and letting go – things that were “dirty words” before, that I never allowed myself to really enjoy.
And I’ve learned about the importance of the written word to preserve the memory of wise things we realize and then forget.
Some of these things are meant to be shared, some are not. I don’t believe I will ever share the contents of my journals, but the least I can do is write this and hope that it will offer an inkling of hope to someone who needs it.
There’s infinite wisdom in all of us that never gets shared because it never gets written.
I’m grateful to have the drive and the opportunity to be writing and sharing this with you right now.
Even if it doesn’t do anything for anyone else, it achieved something immense for me:
I’ve found the courage to share this despite all my shame.
And this means that I won.
Notes
If you’re having suicidal thoughts, please call a help line immediately. Here is a list of services across different countries.
Depression is a serious illness that should never be left untreated. Since writing this essay, I have grown a lot, and accepted that I shouldn’t do everything myself. I now have a great team on my side: a therapist, a psychiatrist, and my family doctor, who have all supported me greatly on my journey. Actually, I’ve seen 3 different therapists in the years after writing this, and each had a different approach. They were all very helpful.
Medication is one form of treatment that can be effective for some people. It doesn’t help everyone, and finding the right medication can be tricky, but it could be worth trying out. I used to be skeptical of medication, and I still believe it’s just one aspect of treatment. But I have since reconsidered their value, and I personally use them to alleviate unnecessary struggles.
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First of all, congratulations on your hard but as I can see very successful (yes, IT IS very successful ) fight with depression and courage to write a great (and extremely long :P) post about it. This subject is well known to me since one of my close family members fights with anxiety and depression for years now.
I was once one of those people who tell depressed people “Snap out of it” and “Don’t be lazy”. I was. But not anymore. The education on this subject is extremely lacking and each post like yours is much appreciated and needed. I wish I read something like this few years before.
The great thing about being supportive to someone with depression is that you learn a lot about yourself and others. You are basically changed as a person, for better. At least I believe I am. :) It is hard sometimes but a dozen bad moments can’t overpower the one which is positive! And that’s what it is all about!
I believe that happiness alongside with curiosity is a basic starting point for all of us and that is who we are. No one really enjoys being hurt or sad. Funny thing is, when we talked via Skype and you said like first two sentences, I was amazed how much positive energy there is in you. It was almost contagious. :) And THAT is who you really are.
As people like to say: you need to fall to know how to walk. And as I like to say: it is easy to become a Sith lord, you basically just have to give up on yourself. While becoming a Jedi is much harder and much more powerful on the long run. :)
Mihovil, it’s always a pleasure to read your comments :)
Haha, I think this is the longest post I’ve ever wrote… over 5300 words on my last count! I just can’t shut up about this topic apparently :D
Thank you so much for your kind words. I really appreciate it, and I’ll have to remember to read them again if I feel down :) to remember that it’s worth it to go on, for people like you.
It’s great that you’re striving to become better support to your loved ones who struggle with mood disorders, even if you may not have this issue yourself. Being surrounded by people who are willing to help you in a way you need to be helped is immensely important.
So much wisdom in the Star Wars movies. I used to laugh at the people who took the Jedi religion seriously, but I no longer find it funny… :) maybe I should identify as a Jedi at the next census too.
Hi Nela,
I used to read a lot of blogs, my feed was full, but slowly as most blogs turned to “monetizing” posts like these were rare. It’s true that nobody wants to read about people’s struggle and at the same time we do because we’re all in some kind of struggle. Thank you for sharing your story and your art! A blog post with images of sketches and paintings always becomes more authentic. I struggle with an anxiety disorder that sometimes is so severe that I’m afraid I will end up agoraphobic, but as you mention, when you feel well you need to create some sort of bridge for the days when you don’t feel so well. I usually think: over there on the other side, everything it’s ok.. so start crossing..
Wow Nela!
Thanks for sharing your story, I imagine even now it still wasn’t easy to write, or hit publish.
There is still such a stigma around depression and mental illness and only by sharing stories like yours can we create more awareness around it.
Thankyou.
Luisa, thank you!
I see what you mean by the blogging landscape changing once people started valuing popularity and numbers more than authentic expression.
I try to maintain a balance – this was never meant as a “personal” blog of mine, but as you say yourself, we share struggles and I want to connect to other creatives such as you, who have been through the same. I think our strength is in our numbers, and together we can change the perception of mental health in the public.
It’s great that you can keep a vision of the “other side” while you’re struggling – I find that with depression, this is the biggest challenge – to even believe that something better is possible.
I started creating little “first aid kits” with reminders of what to do when I have an especially bad day. There are so many things that help, but we tend to completely forget about them when we’re deep in the trenches!
Thank you very much, Rachel!
It wasn’t easy to write in that it took me so many false starts to even get to the point where I can put my thoughts on the paper without it sounding too pathetic…. once I reached that point, the words just flowed.
I suppose that all these months while I was putting this off, I was secretly preparing.
The publishing bit was challenging, though! I have no idea what effect this will have on my professional relationships :)
Thank you for your kind words! I appreciate it a lot.
Rodney Dangerfield was the “patron saint” of those who
are bullied and depressed; His “I don’t get no respect” became
his lifelong identifier and battle cry;
Typical Rodney Dangerfield:
“What a kid I have….Two years ago, I sent him to a private school — He still won’t tell me where it is!!!”
“Oh what a kid….For Christmas I bought him a rifle; for my birthday, he bought me a teeshirt with a bullseye on the back!!”
I never heard of Rodney before, but he seems like a very funny guy :) I wonder if there’s any of his stuff on YouTube.
Love to you, Nela, from the other side of the world…like that matters not one whit to the Universal Powers!
Thank you for Write, and for Publish!
Hi Nela
As someone with a long history of depression I relate to so much of what you’re saying here, even down to the university experience. I am intimately familiar with the cycle of shame and despair, of people not understanding, of wanting to not exist. {I was suicidal but never followed through for the same reasons you mention.}
You are brave to write about this and I particularly admire your approach to take your healing into your own hands and to be relentlessly kind to yourself; that is no small feat in the midst of a depression. {I never did that and am not sure I could have even if I’d thought of it.} For a long time I was actually resistant to getting well because I thought it was who I was at my core and if I lost the depression I wouldn’t know who I was any more. I remember sometimes it was so bad that lying in bed looking at a blank wall was too painful. There was literally nowhere to go.
I also really like how you ARE talking about this on an art and design blog. I have recently written a couple of posts, trying to talk about changes I’m experiencing that are not related to what my blog has been about previously, and it’s really hard, even in a state of balanced mental health!
Finally, I love your notebook idea. I wrote myself a letter including things I know have helped in the past, as that way of remembering, but I love the idea of a personal instruction manual. I think that’s something we could all use, depressed or not.
Here’s to your continued healing. xx
Thank you, and so much love to you, dear Karen!
Dear Tara,
thank you so much for your beautiful comment, I’m really touched by it.
I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been through so much pain.
And yes, this fear of changing into someone we don’t really know is scary and can stand in the way of healing.
I can’t wait to read your posts.
It’s a challenge to share things that seem “off topic”, but it creates so much deeper and more meaningful connection with our readers.
Thank you, hugs!
Nela, I remember the pit very well. When I finally touched the bottom I felt I would never go there again. Like you, I found my own set of tools to get myself out (though it took a lot longer than a month) and I’ve gone on adding to them over the years. Of course it doesn’t mean I never go down, but never as far. Plus I understand now that each time I sink I emerge stronger. That’s the beauty of finding your own way through the dark forest. The work of Dr Clarissa Pinkola Estés has always helped me a lot. Kudos to you for surviving and sharing. We all benefit from knowing you :)
P.S. I’m gradually thinking that reading too much about blogging, marketing and productivity might just be bad for out health!
Thanks for sharing your own experience, Cherry!
I’m so glad you took your healing into your own hands with such success.
I wouldn’t say it took a month to find the tools (I’ve had months and months of tapping in the dark before I felt ready to start healing) but when I’ve committed 100% to my health and implemented everything I thought would serve me, the improvement was almost miraculous!
I’ll look into Dr Pinkola’s work, the name sounds really familiar but I can’t remember where I heard it.
Haha I so agree about the blog posts, when I’m a bit low they just make me feel inadequate.
I’m reading too much of it anyway, and should seriously cut down at least until I implement everything I already know ;)
I just wanted to thank you for your post about this. I have also suffered from recurrent depression almost my entire life and have struggled with judging myself because of it, which of course just makes it worse. I really identified with everything you’ve said and it touched me deeply. I am going to try your suggestion of self-care and keeping a notebook of what helps me for future reference. I have notebooks and journals scattered everywhere and I think it would be helpful to consolidate information for that purpose. Thank you so much for sharing.
Thank you, Lera! I’m so glad that this post has inspired some ideas for you.
Oh, that self-judgement is so poisonous, and yet we seem not to be able to help ourselves – we just expect we *should* feel better and then when we don’t, it’s somehow our own failure. I’m so sorry you had to go through that.
I encourage your idea of consolidating useful into from all your journals. It’s best if you make it super, super easy for yourself to reach for it when you need it next. Wonderful!
Wow! So raw and honest, so well-written and brave. Thanks so much for sharing :)
Jen
Thank you, Jen! I appreciate your kind words a lot :)
It must have been a massive caurage wave to write that post and descibe all struggles. You always have been an image of a strong enterpreneur and creative success in my eyes. Now you are the hero as well:)Thank you for sharing it. To me it means a lot as I have been fighting with my cyclothymic disorder for many years. I went through meds, self help, despair and all that. I even banned myself from following my creative dream as thought I am too weak and hopless…Thank you Nela for bringing hope and shine into my heart…
Thank you so much for your kind words Honorata, it means so much to me. Being someone hero is a tall order, but if sharing my experience was helpful to you in any way – I’ll take that :)
I’m so sorry to hear that a mood disorder has caused you to put your creative dreams on hold… I hope that you are in a better place now and believe in your ability to achieve your dream – because it is possible. It’s very difficult to see that when we’re in a low state, but the low state is not a measure of who we are in our totality.
I was thinking about cyclothymic disorder and I’m so curious to know how it differs from depression.
I suspected for a while that what I’m going through might be it, but I’m not sure because my “up” phase isn’t as hyper as I see described in literature, and I don’t know of anyone in my life that I can compare notes with.
But the reason I’m suspicious is that I tend to get sucked into grand visions and plans and work for hours on end until I burn out… so it’s possible that I have mis-self-diagnosed myself.
If you’re open to sharing a bit more detail over e-mail, I’d be very interested in hearing about it.
Bless you, Nela. I suffer from depression, agoraphobia and anxiety with panic attacks. And, my back is all screwed up! It’s been a long road! I’ve done the meds thing. I’ve talked to therapists till I was blue in the face. Took their ignorant tests and listened to their insane diagnosis. (I was asked if it bothered me to ‘ride in a car alone’. Not ‘drive’, but, ‘ride’.) I’ve even tried diet and herbals, which made me feel better overall, but, didn’t do anything for the depression. When my last psychiatrist, during MY final visit, made up an impromptu country/western song, using the words I said when he asked me about my week, I finally lost faith in shrinks. I did something similar to what you did. I changed my thinking.
I quit worrying what other people thought. It was them or me! Then, I noticed these spells, where the depression returns, always seemed to go away – eventually. That, alone, helped me. When I went into a funk, I rolled with it. I snuggled up in bed, made tea, read, watched some educational tv, you know, things I like. In what seems like a rather short time, I am improved and can somewhat function again.
I have found some things, like meditation, laughter, things you mention, that seem to help me cope. Each day is a struggle to cope, mostly because I am so sensitive. So, on days I feel particularly vulnerable, I stay offline and at home. Why set myself up? I am disabled with this and receive disability, so, it is easier to stay home for me.
I have to admit, I bawled like a baby when I read your description of depression. You broke it down so well! It was like “Wow! Someone GETS it!” It felt good! Though, certainly not at your expense. Rather, by your expense, I would say.
I have better times than others. I suppose we all do. It really does boil down to taking care of yourself before you can give anything of yourself. And, it is okay to do so!
Thank you for being so brave in writing this. You have a great writing style. It is nice to read.
And, I am so glad to be reading your blog! Glad you worked this through and have some plans for the future in dealing with it. It is a disease, you know.
Much ‘Sisterly’ Love,
Su
Dear Su,
first of all, thank you so much for opening up here about your experience – I know it isn’t easy, and I appreciate your willingness to share your personal story very much.
The country song bit made me cringe, it’s incredible how insensitive mental health “professionals” can be! That’s horrible, and I’m so sorry you had to go through all that.
I understand that listening to the same stories from different people every single day is challenging, but if you can’t cope with that, then obviously it’s not the right career choice for you. Sometimes they do so much more harm than good, and it makes me so angry and I lose all the trust I’ve had in the medical community.
Hey, I’m glad this felt good! :) That’s the whole point of me writing it – I want you to know that you’re not alone in this crappy thing, and that we can talk about it in a non-judgmental way and share ideas on how to get through it (without forcing advice on each other).
I find it really interesting how a change in thinking about our depression and the allowing to be in it as we are seemed to have helped both of us get out of the funk all the faster – there’s something in that for sure!
“It really does boil down to taking care of yourself before you can give anything of yourself.”
Yes! And the more I think about it, the more I realize it’s not only when we get in those depressive phases, it’s ALL THE TIME. But we forget, until it’s too late and pushing through by force is no longer an option.
I’ve learned so much from my depression, and for that I’m thankful. I don’t enjoy it, but I can see how it has taught me things about myself that I wouldn’t realize otherwise.
Thank you so much for your kind words, Su. Lots of love to you, and if you ever feel the need to share your woes with someone who understands and cares, next time you find yourself in a funk, please feel free to write to me.
Hugs, Nela
Thankyou for sharing “How to help a depressed loved one”.
I too suffer from depression. Was sectiond and stopped communicating with others. the first step in my recovery was a PAT Dog , that was brought into the hospital, I started to sketch and paint, something i’d not done in over 15 years. Then there was a weekly art session. On being discharged from the hospital I have attended art/lifedrawing classes. These have really helped me to express myself and my emotions. I also write poetry sometimes.
Admitting to myself that I had a MH problem and accepting myself as I am, was another step in the right direction.
What I’ve found to be most unhelpful is other peoples attitude towards people with MH problems. Their lack of understanding and how they THINK they know whats best for you(even some professionals)when they don’t.
Trying to make yourself better before you are ready IS counterproductive. Better to go slowly and listen to yourself.
Surround yourself with people who accept you AND your condition.
And laugh as often as you can xx
Thank you for sharing your remarkable story of healing, Vic! I appreciate that a lot, and I’m so glad to meet another person who found solace in art.
(I don’t think PAT animals are used where I live, but I can see how that could help people open up.)
The advice you share is so, so important, yet so often missed.
It’s all “get out more!”, “start exercising!”, “seat goals!” which is seriously counterproductive when you barely have the energy to crawl out from bed.
And if there’s nothing to laugh about in your real life, good comedy TV shows help, too :)
Hi, Nella. Thanks a lot for your article. I am also a creative who suffered from depression in the past and this is the best article among the ton of articles I’ve read on depression so far. And thanks also for writing about the Depression Learning Path in the article (clinical-depression.co.uk/depression-learning-path/). You’re right, it’s the best information on depression one can find on the web. Also, I liked your visual art and graphic design work and I wish you the best for the future. If you find time, check out my logo design site. (I wrote the link for you in the contact form I filled in to post this comment.) Thanks so much again. Take care.
Dear Gursu, thank you so much for your kind comment – it means a lot to me to hear that this article is helpful to other people.
I wish you all the best as well, professionally and personally. I’ll check out your work for sure :)
Thank you for posting!!! I had forgotten that depression is so much more than sadness….that it is the deadening lethargy, the apathy, the loss of vitality….the great, great effort to take a shower, run errands, and participate in life. The guilt about it all. The dread. Of everything.
I forgot what it was like when I was there, or shall I say here? Thank you for reminding me to stop the negative, destructive self-talk. I’m going to be ok.
I feel greatly relieved today to realize the depression has come back, I know what works for me to get out of it, and will start doing those things today. But when you’re in it, it can be a bear to recognize. I’m so happy I came upon your article.
Thank you, Chris :)
Knowing that you’ve been there before and have come out of it helps to get a more positive outlook for our future. I’ve found that keeping a journal of my moods (both the bad ones and the good ones) makes me realize that things can, and will turn around for the better sooner that I think.
Good luck on your healing journey – you’ve got this!